Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Stormy weather ahead

I remember buying that album by Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill, listening to Isn't it ironic on headphones in the shop and thinking it was the freshest thing I'd heard in awhile. Then the Irish comedian Ed Byrne did a skit of the song which has become his trademark and I could never listen to the song again. Until today.....

Isn't it ironic that the main reason I had this surgery was to close over the vampire wounds thereby preventing infection? Maybe I haven't fully explained life before flappy but having an open wound exposes you to risk of infection. I say open, it was always covered with a dressing but the bastard bugs are everywhere man! I've been hospitalized 3 times over the past few years with infection of the neck. It's a tough battle each time. You get to know the signs but it's still a battle to get you over the line to ED. You look for common denominators, links so you can be quicker to react the next time. For me it looked like a whole heap of stress and exhaustion right before a viral infection which would end up with me in ED with the skin infection. 5 days of IV antibs followed by a week of oral and the inflammation would slowly go down. The last event has got to have been the worst by far. I couldn't
swallow with the pain in my throat and I couldn't sleep cos I had to keep clearing the mucus from my mouth.. I was surrounded by a sea of spit laden tissues, it was gross. It ended quite dramatically when an abscess bloomed and burst on the front of my neck. The Reg took great delight in squeezing the gunk out and declaring 'look this is the eye of the infection" - a ball of green snot. But after that it was plain sailing the antibs could do their work and I was home the 2 days after.

After each event there's the inevitable conversation about plastics and when/if to do the surgery. It was always like a weighing scales, balancing the risk of surgery with the risk of another infection. Surgery had the risk of flap failure which meant an additional trip to theatre and another chunk of muscle taken from somewhere else. The 'what if that fails' question left me with the fact that there's no going back once you rip the front of your neck open. If flappy fails twice then you just sit it out in ICU until you die. I mean what else are you gonna do? All the major blood vessels would be exposed, that doesn't leave much quality of life, do you get the picture? That's the risk that kept me from the theatre door for 14 years. Just sayin.

So I lived with the risk of infection. Careful wound care and prophylactic antibs, the cephalexin twice a day which again was the subject of debate amongst the various docs. Was it actually doing anything? Was there an underlying infection there maybe in the bone? Taking the antibs prophylactic ally was a bit of a lottery ticket but one that me and J hung onto like a life buoy. Where's the harm in taking precautions. I lived infection free for nearly 3 years, but then was that a coincidence too? Was it also a coincidence that I hit another wall of infection when I came off these antibs for one week cos 'there's one way to find out if you still need them, fingers crossed'? Or that time it could've been a perfect storm, they only come round once in a while don't they? 

So I'm sitting here on the bed in my wee room on my own and that song comes in my head. Isn't it ironic? I wonder what Ed Byrne would think about my conundrum. I have the same presentation as previous infections but no gaping holes cos flappy is there Covering them. Oh and by the way, those prophylactic antibiotics I was on? They were stopped on D-day cos there was no evidence of bacterial growth on samples taken at surgery. Better to treat an infection specifically at the time of active infection. Which is where I'm at now. If this current infection is going to be a recurring calendar event then Ed would probably say that yeah it is ironic. But if it's just the consequences of major complicated surgery then it's just incredible bad luck. I appreciate irony but not in this case. I'll be glad to see the back of these bugs.

Medical disclaimer: Reenie is under the influence of drugs so cannot be held responsible for any shite talked on this post.

BREAKING NEWS: 
Rivers of caramel have been seen at the site of the battle of the bugs. Masses of bacteria have lost their lives as fighting continues through the night on flappy. The breakthrough came when Reenie noticed something resembling gravy on her pajama top. Looking in the mirror she beheld the most wondrous sight - pus running down the side of flappy in streams of gold! This is a sure sign that the white knights with their weapons of mass destruction, Flucoxacillin, are nearing victory. Watch this space we'll keep posting as the events unfold.

Battle of the bugs!

Morning campers! Boy I'm a sucker for a positive blog post me! Nice view but it's gonna turn to shit later. Ouch just dropped the positivity pen!

Well I got through the night and even managed to sleep - with my ear plugs in. Which was nice. Pumping through the antibiotics at 2g a shot in the arm, every six hours, love it. The Drs came round this morning and could see an improvement from yesterday and have a name for the infection, it's cellulitis, I wiki-d it up and it's a skin infection that spreads quickly and is caused by streptococcus or staphylococcus bacteria. Symptoms are fever, tiredness, soreness in the area, redness and swelling. Bingo! I seem to be responding to the drugs although it could take between 7 and 10 days to fully recover. So I reckon I'll be here a few days yet until flappy settles down a bit. 

One of the ED Drs said a cute thing yesterday. She was an American lady really onto it, I liked her a lot. She introduced herself and then said, 'I've been looking at your list of medical issues that you've had to deal with and I'm surprised there isn't a whole hospital wing named after you'. Hahahahaha! You could've built a ward with the amount of resources I've pulled in over the years! Nah I'm not so high maintenance honestly. That's part of my problem, the head problem, you know? Not wanting my medical list to define me cos I am so like everyone else, right? Well, I'm getting better at embracing my story and writing this blog is part of that emancipation. But it is hard to let go of values you've been living your life by for over 40 years. I have to retrain my brain. And I think I'm gonna need some help with that. So I'm thinking of getting some counseling. When you're lying in a hospital bed you can come up with these things and then you get better, go home and think you don't need help. So you don't go to the GP to follow up on these things. Until the next bump in the road happens and you find its just a little bit harder to face another fight. It's just another knock back and we'll get through it cos we're great at survival mode. But it's taking its toll. Chipping away in the background. Two steps forward one step back. 

I can't say I'm surprised that I'm gonna need counseling. How the hell have I managed to get this far without it? and you know what, at least two of my friends have gently suggested it. So I'm going to do it. 

Another Saturday night in Plastics

I'm back in hospital. Nice view.

I honestly can't believe it. The last post was just two days ago - the one with the photo of flappy six weeks in - looking great. And now in a matter of 48 hours flappy has spit the dummy and I'm back in the Plastics ward on intravenous (IV) antibiotics. WTactualF?

What am I like? We had the weekend planned out, off to Wellington on Sunday for a day out, eating, shopping and cinema. It is our wedding anniversary this weekend and we were looking forward to a day of normality as we haven't had much of that over the last few weeks. I'd had a good start to the week and had met up with friends for coffee and lunch and a trip to the park. Did I overdo it abit this week? 3 trips out? I felt like I was coming down with a virus mid week, not sleeping great, blocked nose, sore throat. Then Thursday afternoon the glands popped up in my neck. And they kept popping up. Really tender. Mmmmmm. We were on alert. The sore throat and night sweats kept me awake enough to take panadol at 4am Saturday. When we got up this morning it was clear that J wasn't heading out for a cycle ride and we weren't going to our friends BBQ, instead we were going to ED at 10am. Reading this back now, in hindsight, I am wondering why the fuck that I didn't go to ED earlier? Ok it may have been Friday night instead of Saturday morning. Would 12 hours have made a difference? But looking at the speed at which the redness on my neck has spread today, I have the pen markings at the edge of the redness, I realize that every minute matters not just hours or days.So I've spent best part of today working through this and I have to say it's been a topic of fierce debate between me and my loved one. 

I think my head is at fault here. It's racing ahead of body again, wanting to be normal and "not a problem"! The force is definitely strong in this one. Not only forceful but also annoyingly independent verging on arrogant. Strong words indeed. This is me trying to give head a heads up here. Another lesson hopefully learnt. 

I don't want another Saturday night in Plastics hooked up to IV antibiotics. Cos I know what comes next, the oral Flucoxacillin which tastes like metal, the take away from Plastics to be taken for 7 days that's 1 hour before food and two hours after food. Which means I'm set back a week on the crooked road to recovery. Which means normality is on hold for another couple of weeks. This is a tough road to walk. Mentally more than physically. 

But as my loving husband tells me, "it's not the end of the world". And it certainly isn't. And things could be a lot worse. I am lucky to be alive. Each day we are truly grateful for. This is just a small blip and the antibiotics will do their job. It's not rocket science....... There must be a few more cliches I can pull out of the bag...... But at the end of the day I am here in this moment writing this blog and I am feeling grand. A little warm but you know how they like to crank the heating up in this place, thermometer says 23 degrees. 

For my devoted, endlessly loving husband, J, "is this your good ear George Bailey? I'll love you til the day I die!", It's a Wonderful Life we are having babe. Happy Anniversary! 

Photo! The 6 week milestone!

Six weeks ago today I was out cold in ICU having gone through surgery to reconstruct and repair the radiation damage to my neck, a long term effect of surviving Hodgkin's disease over 45 years ago. Today I'm six weeks on from surgery and looking pretty good I have to say! I am so happy with the work of art that was created by those incredible surgeons. It is truly inspiring. What an incredible journey. And I'm still traveling. All aboard the transition express!! Toot toot!

A quick update on the three sites: Flappy is looking great, just a tiny spot of ooze that is clear fluid that I'm covering up, a bit of silver nitrate is being used to seal it up. This small area of ooze was caused by a suture/stitch getting infected. So the focus now is on getting flappy fit and moving. I'm out and about more this week so I'm driving and naturally moving my head and neck so that's feeling good. I have to remember to do my stretches regularly too although I'm not keen on risking undoing the healing process for the oozey area though. Tummy-tuck has turned a corner this week and is feeling totally normal again which is funny cos they always said it would take 6 weeks not a day before! Tummy is fine with the driving too. The scar is softening up and is a lovely big purple 'J' stretching from my ribs to my bikini line. That's my love tattoo! The donor site on my thigh is good just needs to lighten up a little as it looks a bit blotchy and scalded. Perfectly healed though.

The fourth site, my head, has its moments. It gets frustrated that the body hanging below it is still so slow and sleepy. Head is all ready to part-ee on a Saturday night but body is like, no feckin way Jose! Give me some quiet time and get me away from all this noise! Head is day dreaming of a glass of cool Pinot Gris while body is saying "I'm waking up dehydrated from this heat and you want me to add alcohol to the mix?" Body just wants to curl up in bed at 9pm and read a book but head is trying to pull body out of bed to check FB. Head gives in only when body agrees to reading another couple of chapters. But body pays the price when head rules the day and falls flat on heads face in the middle of the afternoon for nap time!

I feel I'm at a transition stage now. I've done the surgery, that's behind me, I'm still in recovery phase but I'm ready to move along to the next chapter in my life. That chapter was always going to be about developing my creative side. Unleashing the lion. Letting it roar and seeing what comes of its freedom. My plan was always to take on the Certificate in Art and Creativity at the Learning Connexion but I may not start that until later in the year as first intake was in February which I've missed. I've been going through the video presentations from the TLC site which hosted a Creativity Challenge last year and I was inspired by this talk called Twenty minutes. It's by a researcher from Kings college in London who asks what would you do if you were given 20 minutes a day free to be creative. It's part of a bigger national creative challenge that started last year in the UK called 64 million artists. The thing that struck me from the talk was we can spend too long just thinking about being creative, talking about it, fantasizing about it, good lord Pinterest has a lot to answer for in terms of time wasting on virtual creativity. Well that's something I'm guilty of, thinking too much and not having the time to allow myself to be creative. The 3 word mantra for this UK creative challenge is firstly 'Do' something creative, secondly 'Think' about what you've created and how you feel about it and thirdly 'Share' it by social media. But what if you don't know how to 'do' it or where to start or what classes as being creative. Quite simply being creative is doing something or seeing something that's new to you. thats my take but check out the talk cos the guy with the PhD says it better and has heaps of examples. Anyhow, I've signed up for this challenge on the 64 million artists website and the plan is that I'll receive an email each day with a suggestion for spending my 20 minutes creatively. Now I'm a bit late with this challenge, apparently it was set up for January so let's hope there's more than 31 days in their January! If I don't get an email I'll have to invent my own ways of being creative which will be interesting! 

I guess I am transitioning in many different ways this year. I didn't expect the extreme makeover to happen at the beginning of this year so my scheduling is a bit out. But I am lucky to have this time now and with the surgery behind me I am in the best possible place to make the most of all this free space in my head, my heart and my life. I think with any form of art you need to set time aside and you need to practice, practice, practice. Malcolm Gladwell said it takes roughly 10000 hours of practice to achieve mastery in a field. That's a lot of felt elephants! 

Another little milestone

I am 5 weeks post surgery. I am alive and well. 

Still can't believe it. We actually went ahead and did it. And it worked!?! WTF? Me and J have those moments every so often, sometimes at the same time, when time stops and you remember what you've been through and this warm, syrupy, snugly feeling disperses over your entire body until you are smothered in goo-ey loveliness. It's purest glee. I had one of those moments on Wednesday at the dressing clinic at the hospital. I've been going every Wednesday since I was discharged. As you know the dressings are getting smaller and smaller. Flappy has a postage stamp sticker on the front now which I am told will fall off at some point and then he'll be free (flappy is a 'he'? Ok I'll go with that). And so will I! Cos I don't need to go back on a Wednesday anymore! Yay! It may not seem like a big deal but it's another step towards independence and normality for me, if that's what I'm after?! When the Dr told me that I didn't need to come back until the follow up appointment in a month I got the goo-ey feeling. I said to the nurse, "this is just so good isn't it? I'm so pleased we did it". Poor woman must've thought I was on drugs. 

So it's all good on the physical front in terms of healing. How's my head doing? Well I'd say it's still bloody processing. I am dreaming like a crazee, every night. No nightmares though. I'm napping in the afternoon, it's a necessity, even if it's just a half hour I need it. I guess it's stamina that I need to build and I think light exercise is gonna help with that. So this morning I tried a few stretches to see if there were any remnants of Pilates in those muscles. It felt good to stretch my back out a bit and my calves and arms. My legs feel as heavy as tree trunks so I'm missing those 3 abs that formed my core. Tut! So I'll make an appointment with my Pilates physio in a week or so and see where we can pick up from. Flappy has been having a stretch too, he's stiff as a board. He's getting lots of moisturizing to soften him up too. 

Did a bit of retail therapy with my lil-niece during the week which is always good for the morale. And there's also quite a bit of exercise there walking round the mall, trying stuff on! Yep I'll take that. Then today, cos it's Friday, I achieved another little milestone, the first solo drive in the car since the op. Oh yeah! It was the weirdest feeling going out on my own in the car. It was like my body knew how to drive but my head was somewhere else. Like an out of body experience. Happy to say there were no "visitors" in the car today! Hehehe! But my head was fluffy! Like I was overcompensating. I only went down the road to Silverstream to post a parcel. It's like a 3 minute drive. But it was great to get there, park up, walk around, have a chat with the post lady, buy a pie, get back home, all without killing anybody. So I'd say that was another cherry popped - driving solo short distances, tick! 

Photo!

What a great weekend!

So it started with Psychic Friday, "answers from the other side" an evening with Sue Nicholson from TV's Sensing Murder. Now some of you will be thinking, hang on a minute, how come Reenie is going to see a Psychic when she's a scientist? Has she one short of a full deck? Truth is I've always been open to a bit of psychic mallarchy. I think it's in me genes..... Let me explain before someone takes my PhD away from me. A couple of my aunts either read the tarot cards or the tea leaves. We've probably got gypsy blood in our veins but for heavens sake don't say that out loud! My Irish aunts may like to dress up but no way is it big fat gypsy wedding material. When people 'pass over' we often have them reappearing in our dreams or when we're awake we'll have a sense of them being there. When my dad died a couple of weird things happened that I couldn't explain like when I was sorting music for the funeral there was a list of possibles written on a piece of paper. I was on my own and left the room for a moment and when I came back the piece of paper with the list of songs on was screwed up on the floor. Never could explain that apart from me having a total blackout and doing it myself. Also, I am sure he was directing his own funeral arrangements through me cos I would never have come up with a royal blue coffin in honor of the Blues (soccer team) which we had adorned with white lilies. He came to me in a dream a couple of days after his death - he was calling from a pay phone and clear as anything, shouting down the phone all excited, "alright bab, it's great here, I'm being looked after by a black man, the foods great, don't worry about me". Anyhow, it's not proof in any way that there is life beyond but I can understand why people go to psychics, especially when there is unfinished business. Especially when you didn't get to say I love you. Call it therapy at the very least but what harm is there in it? 

We didn't get to connect with anyone on the other side on that occasion. Although at one point I did think mom was channeling my recently deceased uncle D who was a bit of a trickster and would have taken the piss out of the evening. Maybe she just wasn't that into it. The aura was definitely on the negative side! Sue, the psychic was up there working for four hours. There were a couple of standout connections which were fascinating just in terms of a good story. They were mysteries where someone died in unusual circumstances. One young man came through who said that how he died wasn't as it looked. "Mom, my feet could touch the ground". This must've been a suicide, hanging which was suspect. A murder.  Interesting. That would make a great Serial podcast. There were at least 20 connections made that night. A couple of pets came through too! A big chestnut pony was trotting down the aisle apparently. She also shared her experience of the other side when she told us about her own attempted suicide. She now counsels people who have attempted suicide. She reads people really well and is able to advise them and send them away with a little more self esteem. So it's not all about hocus pocus. Skeptics beware, don't knock it till you've tried it or experienced it. Keep an open mind cos we don't have all the answers. 

The rest of the weekend was filled with fabulous family time. The sisters had a sing song and my niece had a birthday BBQ on one of the hottest days so far this summer. All in all a wonderful
weekend making memories. Here's a few photos and hopefully a video! Watch out for special guest appearance from flappy!

Killing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'

Psychic Friday!

So here it is the felt elephant in the room who is not gonna be ignored.

Its's Friday people!!! And I must say I am feeling pretty good. It's 4 weeks post surgery so let's have a quick run down on sites 1, 2 and 3. The donor site on my right thigh is almost completely dressing free. Just two strips of 2cm hyper flex left. It's looking mostly thigh like with a few blotchy red areas that look like a scald. The tummy tuck has no dressing left! Yarooooo! It's getting lathered in vitamin A protective ointment to keep it moisturized. It's like a long pink river. Still needs to colour down a few shades. Flappy is free of the surround sound system of hyper flex and is enjoying some freedom of movement and some fresh air. Still have a couple of small dressings where the infection was and is no longer. Purest silver is under those dressings. Doing a grand job according to the district nurse who still comes in every two days. Flappy is colouring down really well and the structure of the new neck is looking amazing. Texture looks a little chicken skin-like but the vitamin A ointment twice a day is working through that. Appearance is like a pastel colored lava lamp. Everyday the fleshy areas take over some more of the purple bits. We're only 4 weeks in and it's already looking amazing. Come the winter, I think I'll be losing those polo necks once and for all! Oh yes! In the meantime I'm UV protecting flappy with a scarf from my vast collection. 

So, big night tonight. It's my first night out of the house. Girls night out, unfortunately I am sans alcohol as I attempt to ensure complete healing of flappy. Me, my lovely new-mom-niece, my mom and the three sisters are off to the cossie for a Psychic evening with Sue Nicholson, the lady from Sensing Murder on TV. 'Answers from the other side' it's called. I reckon that at least one of my aunts could give Sue a run for her money. I'll let you know how we get on in the next post.....

It's About Time

Humor me. Give me abit more of your time. Again. I can't be with you and if I were with you we probably wouldn't be having this conversation anyhow. It would take up way too much time which we wouldn't have. So this time we have right here is precious then. It's a record that we can go back to and reflect on, laugh along with, remember, cherish. It's going to be a memory that we'll share when we do finally catch up again. When I'm better and we find the time. 

"Making memories" is a phrase I use a lot. I love it. I love putting it in cards to encourage others to do just that, make memories. I use it on photos of key events throughout the year so we can look back and remember that moment. Looking back is something that is usually associated with getting older, the oldies digging out their photos and making collages for the wall, something my dad was obsessive about in the last year of his life (not that any of us knew it was his last year, unless he did of course). Collecting those memories and keeping them around him - was this a way of reliving the past? Reflecting on his life? Did it give him a sense of pride perhaps? We don't just do this with photos but also videos. In our family we were fortunate to have an annoying uncle who would thrust a video camera into your face at every family gathering. Stoppit not now! He had decades of family footage on VHS which he painstakingly transferred to DVDs and distributed out to the family. There's stuff from when I was like 9 dancing at a family party, there's my 21st party, the "welcome home" party coming back from college, right through to our wedding day in 2000, me the Millenium bride and J my handsome Prince. We are truly, truly grateful to our dear uncle G for these precious memories. At times embarrassing! But golden all the same. 

The thing about memories is you do need to take the time out to make them. Agreed? And there's always something else that is a greater priority isn't there? It's all very well me sitting here rambling on, putting you under pressure to squeeze in that call to your crazee Aunty who lives in a home, when I've got nothing else on my list to do today except enforced restfulness. Eh? I'll make a deal with you then. I'll let you spit this back in my face when I'm up and about running like a Brummie again, not finding time to take a freakin pee break let alone text you "hi bye". As long as you give me 5 more minutes today (or come back another day) to work out how many books you're gonna read, how many films you've got left to watch, how many visits to the crazee Aunty you have left in your life, allegedly, cos I've done this exercise and it frightened the hell out of me. And I'm Ironman. So click on the link below -

how to count the time you have left

Cos I know it's gonna change the way you look at your life, for the better. And for all you Instagrammers out there, there's pictures! 

References

Thanks to JAX for the kindness quote and to Zed for the link. Too good not to share.

No news is good news - are you ok with that?

We had a long weekend here in NZ, it was Waitangi Day - Google it up non-Kiwis - so Monday was a stat day. There's no Wifi at the beach so I've been unable to post for a few days. I came back to a few concerned texts asking "Are you ok? Haven't seen you post in awhile. Hope you're well".  I felt loved and missed and warm inside. Lovely to hear from my blog readers as I have no way of knowing who, if anyone, is reading my blog. It got me thinking about who has actually read it and how I feel about non-readers. Not wanting to dwell too much on the self-obsessed line of thought, I can't help being interested in the feedback I have had so far whether it's positive, negative or mwah? Silence or lack of acknowledgement of having read the blog is also intriguing me. I believe most readers have acknowledged within the first one or two blog posts that they have read it and enjoy it, love it, etc., and I have been overwhelmed by the support for my writing style (which is just me blathering on) which in turn keeps me going. My number one fan and rock is of course my yummy hubby J who keeps gently pushing me along to keep writing. 

I caught up with one avid blog reader at the weekend who I hadn't seen for a few months. We poured over the concept and process of it all, the why do it, the benefit of it and also the "does it matter if someone doesn't read it?". Sharing stories about ourselves that we'd never shared before, getting to know each other a little deeper, writing the blog with such honesty made it feel perfectly natural to talk so openly together. Making better connections with people was one of my New Years resolutions.  Writing the blog, stripping myself naked from the inside out, exposing my vulnerabilities has not only been a huge release for me but it seems is helping me to connect and develop my relationships  with the people around me on a much more honest level. 

Without being too dramatic, hell I'm allowed to be a Diva about whatever I like girlfriend, after what I've been through, beetches! Listen up. Life is too short, we say this, but do we really act on this? On a day to day basis are we really living life as though today could be the last day we are here and we could never see our mom, dad, sister, brother, son, daughter, cat, dog, husband, wife, aunty, uncle, nan, grandad, again? We bloody don't and you know it. We're reminded of our mortality when someone, anyone, dies. The age of the deceased, a bit too close to my age? A suicide, a bit too close to my son's age? Cancer, fingers crossed. Alzheimer's, please God no! A car crash, could be any of us at any time. These are things we choose not to think about on a day to day basis. Mostly we're too busy multitasking and haven't got time to navel gaze. But we don't have to think morbid thoughts on a day to day basis. No, we can turn it into a positive quite simply. Make the connection. Pick up the phone. Text. FB message. Pop round. Send a card. Do it daily. Do it every other day. Weekly. But don't leave it any longer cos you look like you don't give a shit about your mom, your dad, .... Here's an exercise worth doing, put yourself 5 years, then 10 years ahead of where you are now. How old will you be? How old will your children be? How old will your mom and dad be? Will your nan and grandad still be alive, based on age? What can you do now that you are unlikely to be able to do later? Then ask the same question of your family. Really walk in those future shoes and think about where your relationships are likely to be if things remain on the same level as they are now. That is, if  you don't change the way you connect with people around you from today. What will you miss out on if you don't connect daily, weekly? 

How many of us have phone accounts with unlimited free texts, free calls, too much data allowance? As well as bags of Wifi at home. Let's put them to good use. Me included (comment away please on how lazy I have been when it comes to texting). If we've learnt one thing from this surgical roller coaster it's that life is really too short, it can be taken away in a second, life without the people we love is something we will all have to face at some point for whatever reason. Some of us may already have felt this pain and live with those regrets. I don't know who first said this but the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Leaving too much time between virtual visits or physical visits translates as "I don't care enough about you to contact you".

Let's just try to be kind. 

(Oh right on time, I just felt an earthquake, GeoNet says it was a 5.7 at top of the South Island. All ok just thought Woody was tapping the chair). Well there's a reminder of our mortality right there. 

3 weeks post surgery

Three weeks ago today..... I had my Iron Man suit on in ICU and today I got this in the post. An Iron Man key ring from J's lovely sister D. I absolutely love it! It's bang on. You know I did one of those FB quizs while I was in hospital, which Superhero are you, and guess what? Yeah, I'm Iron Man. F****in A, maaaaannnnnn! 

So how am I doing? Pretty good for 3 weeks post major surgery. Let's recap on the 3 sites. Flappy is looking less raspberry ripple and more like rhubarb and custard. The thick white dressing is off the site and the edges are sealed with white hyper flex tape. The small area of infection on the lower edge is nicely covered, drying out and not sore. Flappy's texture is dry and there's no feeling in the area. It is in need of some serious spa treatments. I have started moisturizing with vitamin A cream which feels like Vaseline, feels very strange. The second site is the Donor site on my right thigh. The white dressing is off and it's looking like I've fallen off the table at the Sprig n Fern after a couple of Pinot Gris' dancing to Son of a Preacher Man. Bit of a graze going on there. This is also getting the Vit A treatment too. The third site is the Tummy Tuck which reduced my 6 pack to a 3 pack. This is troubling me it has to be said. I miss those abs. The scar runs about 20cm down to my bikini line. Pretty significant tuck. Sore ribs, sore to laugh, funny to touch. There are dissolving stitches in this site just like flappy and the scar is covered in a hyper flex strip. Not been on pain relief except the odd panadol and the oral morphine stopped after one day out of hospital. I've been lucky in that way. Must have a feckin high pain threshold. The only way I knew I needed pain relief in hospital was when I started staring at the wall. I could sense I was feeling uncomfortable and getting a bit edgy. But that would be the worst of it, pain wise. I'm probably an exception so if any of you are considering similar surgery, the disclaimer stands! 

I know I'm feeling better today cos I started a new craft project. Another present, from my dear friend Zed, a bag of felt with a note "do your worst". She also put a kids craft kit in the bag - for 4 year olds - a DIY felt elephant! 

What's the betting that the stats for the number of page views drops off in anticipation of the next blog post - "Crochet your own elephant for your room". 

Update on speed bump

As you know I'm on antibiotics to treat a wee slurry of an infection on the bottom edge of the flap. Went to the dressings clinic this afternoon to have it checked out. Saw one of the plastics surgeons who operated on me and she was chuffed with the look of the flap. She confirmed it was an infection and from the swab results she was happy that I'm on the right antibiotics. The nurse applied some brown sauce antibacterial ointment and redressed it. All looks good. The best thing was they removed the blanket of a dressing from my thigh. So no more glad wrap and hubby help in the shower, not unless he REALLY wants to! 

The last couple of days have been exhausting and I don't know whether it's the heat, the antibiotics or just the tsunami following the earthquake that was surgery. It is like a tidal wave of tiredness. J has it too. I think we're still processing the trauma of the last few weeks. We both have moments of elation, we did it, we got through, sheer blissful happy moments. But we also have dips. Big, dark blue, deep water dips, freezing cold feelings of .... What, I don't really know.... Can't define it. Is it the "what ifs" that come back to haunt us? Or is it the monkey still on our back, chittering away at our false sense of security. 

I think we need a holiday. 

Sitting Still

This piece of art is from crispin korschen. I bought it online at Barking Mad it's a picture block about 10cm square. At first you think, "what is this? How absurd" but it makes sense when you need it to. 

In the pre-flap days, when I was walking round with two holes in my neck thinking I was invincible, I was prone to infections. I had 3 infections over the course of about 5 years. All required hospitalization and IV antibiotics. On the back of this block is a date, 2012, and a message, "lesson learnt". That was the last infection I had and it was the worst. I spent 5 days in hospital and didn't sleep or swallow the whole time. Well it felt like I hadn't slept but I must have at some point. It was after this episode that I realized I needed to listen to my lovely J, as well as most of my dear friends and family, and make a plan to pull back at work. J was desperate for me to finish work altogether but knew it had to be my decision. My career, my PhD, my friends - I'd allowed my work to define who I was. So it was impossible to let go and admit that my body couldn't keep up with my brain. That head of mine just doesn't switch off, even at 3 in the morning! But I need my head to help my body heal. 

Anyhow, if I was to keep sticking the band aid (or more expensive equivalent silicone dressing) over the holes and not face the surgery then the least I could do would be to drop down my hours at work so I could rest up midweek. With the support of my husband, my workplace and my team I was able to accept and flourish on four days a week. My "Wednesday's off" were awesome. One friend said "you've just put another 10 years on your life". 

Sometimes you need to stop, smell those roses, sit still with that bird on your head and hum awhile.  That's pretty much what I'm doing this week. Give it a try!