The Flap - first impressions

Some of you maybe wondering why the blog, what is she doing, she's normally so tight lipped about her medical things. Don't mention the war! The ultimate elephant in the room - my catchphrase in all those work meetings - applied to my own personal battle, one I chose not to share, a coping mechanism to enable me to work, live and love in this world. What was hidden were the feelings I would have most mornings as I did the daily routine of showering and dressing my hole-y neck. Mostly, yes we can! But the odd day when it would be WTF? What am I doing? Who am I trying to kid? I'm walking around with 2 holes in my neck, pumped with prophylactic antibiotics that we're not even are doing anything - my very own orange arm bands to keep me afloat in a sea of denial. Slap a dressing on, cover it up, go to work like having had childhood cancer and living with the long term effects of radiation/surgery is something everyone gets to deal with, c'mon. The truth is it could be a hell of a lot worse. People have to deal with a lot worse than I do. So this coupled with an inherent "live everyday like its your last" philosophy is what gets me out of the door everyday. But what I've come to realize is that it's the love, support, respect of those in my life that has allowed me to sit on that elephant in the room for so long without pressing for an explanation. 

The blog isn't meant to be all about the surgery, it's meant to go beyond this and be a record of the year ahead. There I go again, skipping over the elephant! Anyhow, it is what it is to whoever reads it. 

What I have had done has changed me physically. For a good while I'm going to look different. No band aid big enough to hide my flap. By the six month post-surgery point the skin graft should have settled to normal skin colour, So that's July. Yaroo! Let's recap on what's been done surgically... I have 3 sites on my body that have been sliced and repositioned. Three abdominal muscles were removed from my tummy and attached to a whole heap of blood vessels in the neck. This is the muscle flap, a rectus abdominus flap. No skin was removed from my tummy only muscle under the skin. This was because they wanted a bigger stretch of skin to cover the flap and overlap the muscle to wrap it around the front of the neck. The skin graft itself was taken from the thigh and used to stretch over the muscle flap. 

What were my first impressions when I raised the mirror on day 4 post surgery? It was like a volcano had erupted on my neck and the lava was rolling down. My very own purple Willy Wonka's Franz Josef glacier. A glacier in shape but thankfully not in size! It is a work of art, a masterpiece of surgical invention, a collaborative piece of creativity. Beautiful. Wild, raw, shockingly beautiful. I'll take it thanks. I can only say what I'm saying because I've had to face up to that elephant in the room. Naked. Exposed. In doing so I really believe it has given me the strength and courage to get through these last few weeks. It's like mind, body and soul have aligned and I feel complete. Being honest with yourself and those around you via social media. Priceless. The modern age, beats talking to each other eh! 

Twelve days post surgery and the flap is looking less volcanic and more raspberry ripple in colour. It's shrunk back a little so the contour is more neck-like. The changes ahead will be remarkable. I'm looking forward to a whole new wardrobe of shirts for winter and swimwear for next summer. I'll need to cover up from the sun for the next 12-18 months so some UV-resistant clothing will be handy.   

I still find it hard to comprehend the level of skill required to do this procedure. I'm in awe of the surgical team who did it, they're world class at what they do. "Thank you" doesn't really cut it, what words do?