Monkeying around town

I can't believe that it hasn't even been 3 months since D-day, surgery. A week Thursday will be 3 months to the day that I went in for the do or die session with the surgeons. April 14th is a Thursday and it will be 3 months to the day. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, I have to say. What I mean is I am beginning to feel that each day is less of a milestone and more of a normal, what shall we do today day. Which is nice.

I've also had a couple of trips into Wellington for dinner with family and mooching with J. It's like I am resocialising. Getting used to being around people. Only now that I have been enjoying the company of others can I look back and realize that there were times when being in a group of people was difficult for me. It's like your nerve endings are super sensitive and any loud laughter or talking feels amplified to the point that you wanna scream and tell everyone to feck off out of there. But it's not their problem. It's mine. The only other time I felt this way was after my dad died and we were out in Moseley at Kavanaghs and the place was packed, the usual Friday night crowd, but every screech of laughter was like a needle being poked in my ear. That was grief. This was like grief but there's no name for it except post traumatic stress disorder. Do you know you can get post surgical depression six months after surgery? I had no idea. My GP told me. I went to see her last week to ask her to check my thyroxine levels cos I was feeling up and down and my sleeping was crooked. Nah she said all was within normal range and if anything she would increase my dose. It was my first check in with her since before D day so we took some time to go through what had been happening to me and the various milestones and knock backs along the way. At the end of it she said I'm actually more concerned that you may develop post-operative depression. It's common even in patients who have had successful surgery apparently. So I'm going to be on the look out for the black dog but if any of you see it hanging around me please let me know so I can do something about it. 

On the creativity front, checkout "monkey boy" that I made today. He's a cutey and he's for another cutey monkey boy that I know who will be turning one soon! He's kind of current, it being the Chinese year of the monkey. I'm a monkey too. And so is J. Years ago me and J were walking through Birmingham city centre, down by the old Hippodrome when it was closed down and there were only a few dodgy nightclubs down that end of town. It was broad daylight and we had just been to the markets. We were heading home and this old boy shouts out of nowhere, "Hey you", there's no one else around, "you, ya have the head of a monkey!". "He must be talking to you John, your 3 inch quiff must be freaking that old guy out!".

Kick starting creativity

I've given up on the 65millionartists project, you know the one in the UK that is aiming to inject creativity into every UK resident, cos I've not heard anything from them at all. No creativity challenges have been sent to me. Probably cos they know I'm not a UK resident and I'm also a year too late for their challenging research data which they are probably analysing right now. So I've gone and found my own creativity challenge! This book has a different creative challenge on every page. Now I'm keeping my expectations on the down low here people so I'm not anticipating completing ALL the freakin challenges in this book nor am I setting any particular timelines. Cos I'm still in "recovery" and under the microscope in terms of awake hours..... "How's your day? You're not overdoing it are you?" Needing my legs on the bed in the afternoons still. And I'm only managing a maximum of 3 hours of listening and chatting and general socializing activity before my eyelids start drooping. But I'm keen to recharge the creative batteries to see if I can surprise myself. Here's the first challenge in the book.....

Wanna join me in this challenge? 

What I'm reading right now:

What I'm gonna read next:

What I'm watching on TV:

Corro - probably a year behind the UK so no spoilers please! Just passed the bit where Tina got pushed off the balcony and all the dirty secrets are out in the open! Class soap opera writing. 

Code black - it's like ER on speed. Fast, technical, OTT, not real at all. Addictive. 

True Detective 2 - WTactualF is going on? Colin Farrell and Rachel Adams, is it her?, are acting really well but I haven't a clue what's going on. Only 10 more to go.

Hair - to normality and beyond!

This is me, flap side up, on Saturday 25th March 2016. Just smashed another milestone.... The first hair do post surgery! That's me 10 weeks post surgery. Colored, cut and styled. 

Don't underestimate what a great hair do can do for your self esteem. Never have I needed this more than I have today after the roller coaster ride I've been on over the last 10 weeks. I remember one of the first questions I asked Dr J, my surgeon who looks uncannily like Griff Rhys Jones, was when will it be safe to go to the hairdressers? His response, "what sort of things happen at the hairdressers?". I guess with a tidy short back and sides Dr J wouldn't know about the hidden perils of the backwash basin, the chemicals in the colour, the hot irons for flappy. Of course I, we, were apprehensive about maybe colour contaminating the beautiful flap or a stab of the scissors or a brush with the straightener at 140 degrees. Yeah but nah. Seriously. You're dealing with a professional here. And that's not me I'm talking about no, that would be my freakin amazing too hot to trot hair stylist who welcomed me this morning with "you look amazing, like you haven't had anything done!" and later after having a squizz at flappy, "they have done an incredible job". 

This is so good to hear because flappy really is an incredible work of magnificence that I am so proud of and so proud to have gotten through successfully. Yes I am saying, now, successfully. Yesterday I had an ultrasound of my neck and they couldn't find what they were looking for (there's a song in there somewhere). There is no gap, the bug cave has shrunk down to nothingness. Another step towards normality. Whatever life throws at flappy in the future I believe I am now in a much better position to defend flappy against the imposters that may pray upon the soul of flappy. As my surgeon said "it's a different clinical picture now". The gap has been closed, the holes in my neck have been covered, I am no longer exposing my spine to the elements, I am no longer on prophylactic antibiotics. Time to set the monkey free from my back. 

You know you're feeling better when ...

You know you're feeling better when you find yourself bouncing around the kitchen to Rihanna and you've found love, in a hopeless place. Duh duh du, de da da, duh duh du. Repeat. But it's that ascending, escalating run of beats from Calvin Harris that just has you getting crazier and crazier, shaking the hair and swinging your arms, thinking it can't go on any more surely, it's reaching its peak anytime now! BANG! And you're off again, taking wider steps around the dining room now, crouching down and jumping back up again. Shaking that ass! Jumping up and down on the spot. Repeat! "I'm alive!!!" And it's great!!!

It's the "after the storm" feeling when you realize how unwell you had been feeling. Hang on, stop the bus right now before I write anymore.... I'm gonna stop this writing in the third person malarkey right now. It's ME that has realized that it's only after the storm of illness, when I am feeling better, that I have actually been feeling very unwell and definitely NOT my usual self. That sounds clearer now. Sorry. Must write better. Innit?

It's a "pattern of behavior" (Note: this is one of my favorite phrases as some of you may already know. It means I've actually bothered to do some observing, reflecting and planning of what to do before I can say that phrase. Love that phrase cos it means I rarely make shit up on the spot about people). A pattern of behavior that I've noticed about how I cope with illness. Ive been quiet and not blogging for over a week now and it's because "I've not been feeling well". I can say that now because I now know that how I WAS feeling over the last week or so was not like how I am feeling today, i.e., Well again. Today the sun is energizing me not draining me. Today I felt like I wanted to do the washing not that I felt I ought to do the washing. Today I flung all the windows open - not close the curtains. Today I played the iPod real loud and danced around the kitchen but last week I couldn't bare the sound of music. I didn't switch it on from one day to another. Music, that thing that I love, that thing I can't live without, the thing that I depend on to pull me back into my happy place when I'm lost and scared and .... ILL. I couldn't stand it last week. 

What I have learnt about myself during this last bout of illness and recovery is that I don't have to know the reason why I'm "feeling" unwell. It's ok to just not feel well and out of sorts. It's allowed. I have to acknowledge and ACCEPT that for some reason my body is telling me that I need rest. I have to be more aware of how I am FEELING right now and then adapt to what my body needs right now. I have been through too much to try to shortcut the recovery. This is part of my new mantra for the new me. I am trying to stop thinking about how I SHOULD be feeling and just try to be in the present and be more in tune with what I need right now in terms of both physical and mental TLC. 

I think this is an important lesson I have learnt about myself. I guess it comes back to taking health for granted. You can end up totally screwed if you do that. Overall you could say I am not like that but I know myself and I know I can do better at keeping myself well. I just gotta recognize the signs and accept that all superheroes need to recharge their batteries. 

Flap Update:

Flappy is just over 2 months of age now. I am off the oral antibiotics thank the Lord Jesus and all the Saints! No more 3 nightly trips to pee during the night. Hanging out for a single decent nights kip. My appetite is back on board now as I am not fueling up 3 times a day on the antibiotic equivalent of battery acid, Flucoxacillin and its stable companion Probenecid (which is also a treatment for gout?!). I am still needing a lie down at 2pm each day so not quite got the stamina of a stallion back yet. Flappy had a check up with the surgeon yesterday. As I am off the antibs we now have the "wait and see" approach in terms of further infections in the area. I'm having an ultrasound in the next couple of weeks to see if the gap that housed the bugs has shrunk or if there's still a wee house in there waiting for new residents to move in. Hoping it has been demolished and my new anatomy has re-jiggled itself to prevent any further infections. Only time will tell I guess. But I'm not gonna live with that monkey on my back. Me and J have vowed that we will deal with it if it comes back and share the vigilance that will be needed to ensure we get to ED ASAP at the first sign of trouble in the flap.

Other News:

Got to visit the lovely South Island city of Dunedin last weekend. It was NZ fashion week and there were several iD events on in town. I went to a talk by the NZ designer Kate Sylvester who spoke about which artists influence her collections which was really refreshing to see in terms of her creative process. Went to the beautiful Aromoana. St Clair Beach was a favorite too. Managed to fit a lot in between sleeping for half the day! Do you now I went shopping, not that bought anything just 6 balls of wool!, and I walked for 3 hours! I came back and felt like I needed a hip replacement! It made me think of my poor mom who I would walk the length of corporation street in Birmingham, in and out of C&A shopping all day long on a busy Saturday! No wonder she looked knackered at the end of it. I know how she feels now! Here's some photos of my few days away... Nice to be back writing again, thanks for reading....

 

Simply Saturday

Superhero food

Simply Saturday has been a blissful day out in Wellington spent with my man J. Brunch at Scopa on Cuba Street was deadly. I was hanging out for my usual, Gambaretti pizza (fluffy prawns, chilli and garlic) and roasted potatoes, which we normally get in the evening. But it was brunch time and so we switched to Scopa Eggs Bene with bacon for me and Abruzzo eggs (chilli scrambled eggs) for J. Wow! My eggs came on a hash brown which had a lovely splash of chilli which was soooo unexpected but totally divine! J's Abruzzo was killer hot for me but hit the hot spot for himself. Lovely lovely! Then we went to see "Deadpool" at the Embassy. Absolutely perfect movie to see today! Deadpool is a Marvel superhero with attitude. My kinda attitude. Thinking I may have to switch red suits and go over to the dark side, put Ironman on the rack for awhile and go parteeee as Deadpool. Loved the one liners referencing sinead o'connor too. Loved that movie. Totally stinking. There's a much censored link to the trailer below. Go see it! 

Click here for link to trailer for Deadpool

Keep on keeping on

Film therapy. Is there such a thing? Well I just googled it and there it is! You can do an online course in cinema therapy to learn how to use the power of movies in the therapeutic process. I'm not sure the DVDs I chose for my duvet day would count towards therapy. "Dark Places" is a book written by Gillian Flynn, the author of Gone Girl. I must admit that I did get the book out of the library but wasn't in the right headspace to read it, it was a bit scary and I didn't wanna add to the drug induced hallucinations I was getting at night. So I saw they'd made a movie and thought I could handle that one. Charlize is in it so gotta be good. She's the sole survivor of a family massacre which her brother has been imprisoned for based on her testimony when she was 7. 20 years on and she's pulled into a "kill club", a group of crime enthusiasts who want to prove that her brother is innocent. Sounds ok doesn't it? Well the flashback story got a bit weird and satanic and druggy. It was getting a bit too unrealistic for a 1985 storyline. And then the cows got hit.  I had to turn it off, midway through. Slaughtering cows in the name of Satan? Sweet God really? Charlize what were you thinking? You looked like you had just stepped out of Mad Max in your lunch hour to make this movie. My hunch is there will be some kind of child abuse going on somewhere in that story. Glad I switched it off. And I didn't issue you a spoiler alert cos it's a crap film and you're not gonna watch it! 

Cleaning therapy. It doesn't exist according to Google. But I cleaned the house anyway and it felt good. It felt even better when J came in and asked "did you Hoover up today?" "Yeah!" "Tut" he says, "you should be taking it easy". I'm glad the place is all nice and clean for the weekend. More time to watch crap movies!

"Wait and see"

"Wait and see". That's what one of my lovely plastic surgeons told me today. I'm a whole 8 weeks post surgery, whoop whoop. Whoop de freakin whoop alright. Two months down the line just one month off the 3 month milestone. How am I doing? Am I on track? Am I where we expected me to be? Have I reached all your expectations? What would we do differently if we did it all again? What did we learn? I feel like one of my own freakin experiments....And the conclusion is that further work may still be required. WTF??!!?? 

To be absolutely honest here I'm having a day of devastation. Not to be confused with degustation although I would much prefer a feeding frenzy right now of wonderful gourmet delights all packaged up in easy to eat bite sized bundles of lushness! I'm getting side tracked here sorry. Those mini burgers or freshly made pakora. Oops. Sorry. Back to the feelings of desolation, frustration, anxiety, and the "what about me, it isn't fair, la de de da la de da da da". So I rock up to the dressing clinic this morning to get flappy's hole checked out and have a post hospital-stay chat with one of the Docs. The good news is that the wee hole that squirted the pus has healed nicely thanks to a wee bit of silver. So just keeping that covered and clean. The Doc sat down and told me the scans that were taken at the time of the infection showed a gap beneath the hole that they are concerned about. The gap may just heal itself if it is shallow enough or it may hang around and decide to grow a few more bug cocktails. We'll have to "wait and see". In the meantime, I'm on the antibs for another week until I go back to see Dr J who is most likely to stop them so we can "wait and see". 

So there are two possible outcomes of the "wait and see" approach that I can figure. The first and most hopeful is that we'll keep waiting and we will see no infection. If I were to draw what that feels like it would look like this:

The second option is that after maybe two weeks, or it could be six, who knows? I'll wake up one day and my neck will look like it's on fire. I could be anywhere in the country or in the world or I could be sitting still at home, "waiting and seeing". If this happens it will be a visit to ED but this time treatment will involve draining and cleaning out the gap, then sticking it together to close it. And this would involve another surgery..... You know the score, the "I'm awake" fiber optic intubation and the needle in the neck to relax the epiglottis so the breathing tube can go down. At least we know how to safely send me to sleep now. I'll know what to expect. Experienced hands. So it took me the drive from the hospital to straighten my head around all of this devastation and turn it around to be something manageable and not so devastating. 

I'm not usually down for too long, emotionally. I just need time to process. Can be ten minutes or a day under the duvet. Today it was both. Ten minutes in the car and then the afternoon under the duvet. I'm tired today. Getting up to pee 3 times a night cos of the Stabilising drug is a factor but not the only one. I'm mentally exhausted from trying to be on top of everything that's been happening to me. Trying to be one step ahead all the time. I'm feeling pretty yuk and over it to be honest. It feels like I have to reset the clock and start over again. Slowly slowly. But then I also have to keep hold of hope. Can't let that go. Cos there is a lot of hope in this latest news. And I know I am unable to be down for long cos I am a superhero aren't I? But for today, I'm mainly feeling devastated so I'm going back to the duvet with my cheese and crackers.